You Can't Make This Stuff Up!

If you've read my books, you know I gently spoof some of the foibles of small town life. But this  isn't done out of malice of any sort. No indeed. I live in a town of about 12000 souls and love it. In my tales of the fictional Coldwater Cove, the most immediate source of local information is the Methodist Prayer Chain, but a close second is the journalistically-challenged Coldwater Gazette, the town's newspaper. 

I confess. I loosely based the Gazette on our own often unintentionally entertaining hometown paper. Over the weekend,  I had my family in stitches reading from, of all things, the police blotter! Here's a rough synopsis of the article. (The names have been changed to protect the guilty!)

Police Officer EverReady Goodman was on patrol when he noticed a red pickup and a woman standing by the side of the road, bleeding from the nose and yelling. Fearing domestic violence, Goodman stopped. (Well, of course, he did. He's a Goodman, after all!) The officer discovered Snedley Slacker in the truck with his foot on the brake. Slacker told Goodman that his former passenger, Ima Nutt,  was drunk. Goodman suspected Slacker was as well and ordered him out of the vehicle. 

When Ima Nutt approached Goodman, the officer noticed she was carrying a duck. Slacker claimed they'd had a fight, but Nutt fell when trying to catch her duck. He then refused a breathalyzer test, saying he couldn't afford another DWI and was too drunk to take one. Goodman handcuffed him and put him in the patrol car. At this, Nutt began carrying on and yelling about how she was losing her duck, but when Goodman asked if she was all right, she said she was okay, just drunk.

To prove her point, she dropped her pants and peed by the side of the road while waving at passing traffic. (During the ensuing chaos when Officer Goodman arrested Ima Nutt for public nudity, the duck must have made good its escape because it wasn't mentioned in the article again!) 

After we all wiped the tears of mirth from our eyes, I read the sobering report that Slacker had 6 prior DWIs. Silly behavior may rate a few giggles--and who wouldn't chuckle at a story that featured both a duck and public nudity?--but there's nothing funny about driving while impaired.

So if you toss back a few at the BBQ this Labor Day weekend,  please call an Uber or stay with your friends and family. Remember if you drink and drive, you could lose a lot more than your duck!

Have a wonderful holiday!